


Letters To MACUSA Human Resources

by Darkwood_Princess



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Human Resources, MACUSA | Magical Congress of the United States of America, There is always that one employee, all places do, has hiring problems, sounds like heck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 14:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8990119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkwood_Princess/pseuds/Darkwood_Princess
Summary: Queenie Goldstein had a simple job. Keep people in caffeine and nice things to eat while also assisting in the Wand Permit Office when necessary. Naturally she included comforting whatever poor souls inevitably screwed up badly enough to end up in Human Relations, the place where all of MACUSA’s internal complaints were funneled, as a part of her job.ORThere are complaints about the murderlake in the basement and the grindylows in the 17th floor toilets.





	

**Author's Note:**

> As someone who pitches in at a small time business when not studying, I have seen some doozies in regards to employees and customers. 
> 
> Rod and Lailah are my attempt to add some diversity to MACUSA. I hope they offend no one. And yes, Rod is based off of that Rod Serling. I just think everyone's favorite 60s host would have made an amazing wizard.

Queenie Goldstein had a simple job. Keep people in caffeine and nice things to eat while also assisting in the Wand Permit Office when necessary. She was not to interfere with official investigations, nor was she to become involved in decisions that went any further than "would you like Columbian Roast or Espresso?" 

Naturally as a Legilimens and an actual person with dreams and desires, she was involved in all sorts of other things, whether the higher ups knew about it or not. This included comforting whatever poor souls inevitably screwed up badly enough to end up in Human Relations, the place where all of MACUSA’s internal complaints were funneled. 

Human Relations was, in all actuality, about 3 levels down from the incredibly dusty wand permit office that Tina had been banished to before Newt Scamander and a case full of chaos came into their lives. It did have a regular staff, although many had never actually seen said staff, the theory being that HR was in fact staffed by zombies or, if they were feeling particularly inspired that day, the souls of all the aurors who had offended a MACUSA President, forced to spend eternity as an HR ghost. 

It was, however, a necessary stop on Queenie's rounds because even those in purgatory deserved a good bagel and a decent serving of hope, hope that they would eventually get back into the good graces of whoever they had accidentally (or in the case of a few of the more flagrant offenders) not-so-accidentally frustrated. 

(She was surprised that Tina had never put in a stint down here.) 

What she mentally heard when she rounded the corner of what was quite possibly the darkest hallway in the whole building, was a bit surprising to her. Aurors Serling and Kasim were usually to be found working out of her sister's division, given that they were a decently effective team and two of the nicer ones to boot. 

Their thoughts were - for once – absolutely identical, something that caused the blond to smile slightly, despite the fact that they were loudly projecting the equivalent of intense mental anguish. 

Lailah, the daughter of an immigrant Indian Wizard and his Virginian wife with a penchant for loud thoughts and wearing even louder colors, let her head thunk loudly against the stack of letters while Rod, a young man from upstate New York with a neat and quiet demeanor, poked them unenthusiastically, a look of sheer depression on the his expressive face. "Maybe I can do one of my special charms, make it look like this is all gone. Do ya think Graves would notice when he comes to release us?"  

Chestnut eyes pinned him with a look that screamed, “ _You're kidding right? This is Graves we're talking about!”_ which was exactly what Queenie heard in a slightly frustrated southern tinged mental accent. Lailah had retained a very stereotypical accent in times of stress, having spent most of her life in the wilds of West Virginia before moving to the Big Apple. 

Rod's mental “ _Well Excuse Me Princess!”_ was all New Yorker, the remnants of his smaller town upbringing leaving him with an, admittedly, less loud accent to show for it. 

Over the years Queenie had often come to the conclusion that non-verbal communication said just as much about friends as their actual conversations and these two were thick as thieves, meaning that without trying their thoughts often corresponded to actually conversations. 

"Graves would definitely notice it. That man is the only one around who can spot the flaws in your ‘special’ illusions so it looks like we're actually going to have to suck it up and do the work. Which means," She glanced up at Queenie with a tired smile, "I'm going to need all the Earl Grey you got Queenie, if you don't mind." 

Queenie smiled back, "Honey, you might want coffee for this one." Rod laughed at the look of disgust on his partner's face and offered his own opinion. 

"If you dose it with enough cream and sugar Queenie, she might just drink it." Lailah swatted at him good naturedly and opened the first complaint on the desk while Queenie started fixing an Earl Gray and the black coffee that Rod preferred. After spending time around a particular Magizoologist she had learnt a few new tips on the art of brewing tea. 

Rod's snort as he read the letter over Lailah's shoulder echoed loudly in the quiet room as Lailah despairingly shook her head and read it so Queenie could get the joke, " _Dear HR, our newest secretary just showed up to work in a sexy house elf costume and a santa hat, looking high on some sort of no-maj stimulant. How soon can you get us a replacement/reprimand said employee. Sincerely, The Secretarial Pool._ " 

Queenie tried not to laugh as the two aurors stared blankly at the paper, as if it were going to come alive and bite them. Mental projections of “ _What in the seven hells,”_ from Lailah and “ _Sweet Cheese on a Cracker what do they expect us to do about that? I chase perps not counsel people on fashion,”_ from Rod were as loud in her ears as if they’d spoken. 

"Maybe they should just send her to your Synagogue, Serling, they'd probably help her figure out her life," was Lailah's final suggestion, made as a good natured joke. She’d visited once with her partner and spent an entire day worrying over what exactly to wear, only to find that the congregants were far more forgiving of her sartorial faux pas than she would have expected and all too willing to give her advice as Rod’s partner, happy to see that the young man had someone to rely on at work who actual appreciated his creativity. 

Rod started with a jump and a definite look of panic at his partner's suggestion. "Oh no, we're definitely suggesting they send her to your Mosque. That's a much better option." Rod’s visit to her mosque had been somewhat similar, with all the aunties taking bets about Lailah’s non-existant love life, something which had caused the extroverted girl no small amount of grief. 

Lailah shrugged and discarded the letter, reaching for the next, "Clearly there is no good answer there. Next -"

"Oh no, I get to open the next one _."_ Rod grabbed one from the middle of the stack _. "I am formally lodging my protest against the murder lake in the basement. Yes I called it a murder lake, for that is exactly what your unethical execution room should be called. We are modern wizards and witches who should be able to resolve all of our problems peacefully. Therefore I hope you will consider alternatives such as dispute resolution, community service, and counseling as recourses for punishment. I include in this initiative my desire that the recently captured Grindelwald be treated in such a humane and fitting manner._  It's signed Anonymous."

Lailah looked flabbergasted. "They expect Grindelwald to do community service? The man already thinks he's doing the community a service. What delusional -" 

“They’re just that, delusional, let’s keep going. Queenie would you hand me my cup of coffee please?”   

All three shuddered at the thought of the man imprisoned under high security several floors up trying to hand out soup to the needy as Rod “accidentally” spilled coffee all over that nightmare request. Queenie watched with a smile as the two punished aurors took turns reading out MACUSA’s many complaints. 

“ _Someone needs to tell the wand permit office to send out reminders that our permits are expiring. I nearly got arrested by my own deputies_. _What are we paying them for???_ " 

" _Is it acceptable to punch a colleague in the face if said colleague has charmed your partner's tea to smell and taste like bacon? My partner is a vegetarian and I think that’s actually workplace harassment. I’ve caught them at least seven times."_

_"I would like to complain about the Grindylows in the 17th floor toilets. The janitors in this place are not doing their jobs. Since HR has nothing better to do, maybe you all can fix it."_

_"All of the cafeteria options are not healthy enough. You need to offer more fruit and vegetables. Stop making us all eat artery clogging junk. I'd rather die from work than your poor menu."_

_"Do you think we could implement a dress code? Half my division just bought themselves fancy fedoras and I can’t pay for that!”  
_

_“ARE WE SUCH CHEAPSKATES THAT WE CAN’T PAY FOR HEATING IN DECEMBER???”_

_“Look, I’m not saying we need to scan resumes better, but I just saw one of the secretaries stuff a ton of people’s papers in one guy’s file and shove it way in the back of an unused cabinet. Maybe you all should do something to raise morale.”_

"Say, how did you two end up down here anyways?" Queenie asked when both aurors paused for breath. She had handed them their drinks ages ago but was enjoying the ridiculous things that came of a massive workplace staffed by hundreds of different kinds of people.

Rod scrubbed a hand down his face, but grinned nonetheless. "When a visiting member of Thesesus Scamander's Ministry of Magic Group made a crack about Mr. Graves, Lailah and I both tried to hex him at the same time since we’re the bosses day guard. That punk now thinks everything tastes like raw snails and sees the world through a - completely fixable - pane of semi-surreal twilight."

Lailah snickered, "I call that particular trick of Rod's being trapped in the "Twilight Zone" and let me tell you, he missed a suspect one time and got me. I coulda sworn that reality was warped at the edges for a week before it wore off." Rod looked incredibly sheepish and Queenie caught the intense thoughts of guilt that flashed across the edges of his consciousness.

"Oh Honey, don't worry, she's not mad at you. She's really quite impressed." Queenie patted his shoulder as she grabbed her stuff.

"Besides," Lailah interjected, patting her friend on the shoulder, "It wasn't us who did the worst to the guy. Mr. Scamander has quite the right hook. Man went down faster than my attempt to drive that no-maj vehicle from the technology division."

She left HR with a smile to the sound of an argument about Auror Kasim’s driving, knowing with an instinct born of mind reading and simple intuition that the two were sufficiently cheered and the sanity of those in the bottom of the MACUSA building were safe, if only for a little while longer.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot, but if anyone wants a part two, I could create some new aurors and add on!


End file.
